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花 言 葉 × h a n a k o t o b a
seems that soon i'll wither away without knowing the answer
The Story of... - Aoi/Uruha (1/1) 
Mar 09 09
Title: The Story of...
Chapter(s): 1/1
Author: xxshamisen
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG-15
Warnings: Language, so much crack, breaking the fourth wall, occasional purple prose, run-on sentences, bad regard for grammar, bastardization of Cinderella, overall weirdness
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha; Ruki/Reita; implied Kai/Uruha; brief Izumi/Isshi
Summary: It's Cinderella, except crackish and with the PSC artists bastardized.
Comments: I had to cheer myself up. =D Plus comments are ♥ SO LEAVE SOME FOR MY EVIL TWIN. xD *bricked*

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived… Okay wait. Wrong intro, but hell, you pretty much know the story anyway, right? But still. Anyway. Going back.

In that kingdom was a maiden (yes maiden so shut up) named Cinderuha, often called Uruha because they can, and he was the son of some wealthy dude. Unfortunately for Uruha, his mom died due to reasons he couldn’t remember because he just drunk himself silly the night his mother died. So, driven by his son’s alcoholism, Uruha’s dad married another person in hopes of being able to whip his son’s ass up back into shape. He married the family’s chef, Kai, and in the process also adopting his two sons Ruki and Reita. Why it was the male chef Uruha’s dad had to marry, nobody really knew (cough author has the power to do so cough).

Unfortunately for Uruha again his dad died this time because that’s just how the story flowed. Just when Uruha thought he already got himself into some deep shit with his dad re-marrying, being banned from drinking any kind of liquor (“Oh, the horror!” Uruha would always exclaim), then his dad dying, now he had to put up with his horribly incestuous stepbrothers for the rest of forever. The image of Ruki and Reita dry humping each other in broad daylight had become a normal scene for the poor young Uruha already, but actually walking in on them while having some raunchy, incestuous sex scarred him for life. But Uruha’s still gay, don’t worry.

Right after the burial of Uruha’s father, Kai told Uruha to take some ragged clothes and start cleaning around the house, claiming it was still part of his rehabilitation. Uruha complied stupidly since Kai was always smiling at him anyway – what he couldn’t stand was his two stepbrothers. Unbeknownst to Uruha, Kai was actually a sadistic motherfucker, using his million-megawatt smile to make anybody do his bidding and only his sons knew about that. Honestly their mother’s (?) smile scares the shit out of them too, so they do whatever he says, and that includes having brotherly sex just to freak the hell out of Uruha. Yup, that’s all Kai’s genius.

As the seasons passed Uruha became unhappy because of being treated like a slave by his stepbrothers as well as the fact that he can’t get wasted with booze, but he wouldn’t complain to Kai because really, who could say no to a cute smile like that? So what happened was Uruha turned a bit cuckoo and started conversing with the rats, the birds, and the hundreds of other animals whose names he couldn’t even remember, and because Uruha always gave them food, they helped him out with some stuff too. They were really helpful little critters, Uruha had to admit, and giving up a small piece of his sanity to make friends with them was definitely worth it.

One day when Uruha woke up, he broke into a song, the song being Linda, Linda (OH THE MOTHERFUCKING HORROR, SAYS THE AUTHOR OF THIS FIC). It shook the little critters in his room in the attic wide awake and immediately gave them this instinct to just kill somebody, but learning that it was Uruha, they restrained themselves and just sang along with him, in hopes that their cute, heliumized (shut up it’s a word) voices would cover up the atrocity that was Uruha’s singing.

“Well, at least he’s cute anyway,” one of the cute white rats commented, no matter how unlikely it was for a cute white rat to speak.

“Plus he gives us food,” another added.

Anyway, the little critters helped Uruha in getting into his outfit, the one he used in the Machibouke no Kouen De PV. Yeah with his hair all pigtailed-up and him looking like a complete whore because, you know, Kai likes him looking like that when he worked. As much as all of us fangirls would love to see Uruha getting butt-naked and all we can’t, because there’s this huge purple divider thingy where our object of fangirling changed his clothes. Okay, stopping with the stupid inserts now.

Once finished changing into that rather whorish choice of clothes, Uruha immediately went down the house’s long, spirally stairs because he heard the door bell rang. Yes they had digital door bells there because they’re rich and shit. Upon opening the door, a small man took his hat off and greeted him, and according to the name tag that occupied half of his torso he was called Keiyuu. Uruha bowed a bit to return the gesture.

“Hear ye, hear ye,” started little Keiyuu, “The royal kingdom of PSClandia has…” he stopped for a moment, noticing how high above the roofs Uruha’s brows were already because he couldn’t understand what the little man was saying. Keiyuu snickered, musing how blonde this blond was.

“Okay blondie, here’s the thing,” Keiyuu continued, “There’s a gonna be a wild rave in the palace and everybody’s invited. Yay, right?”

Sporting a big, ducky grin on his lips, Uruha clapped his hands and jumped up and down. “Yay indeed!”

With those words Keiyuu took his hat off again and made way back, because Uruha’s house was the last in his list and all. Uruha quietly closed the door and turned his back as well, giggling to himself like the little girl that he was.

“Oh this is going to be so exciting!” Uruha spoke to himself, once again proving that he’s totally cuckoo now (but still lovable anyway, right?), dramatically doing head turns here and there. However he stopped, hazel eyes widening as his mind came to an important realization.

“But first, I need to tell this to mother Kai. Mother Kai!” he called out as he trudged up the stairs hurriedly, making his way to Kai’s huge-ass room.

“Mother Kai!” he exclaimed again as he pushed past the doors of Kai’s room; the sight of Ruki riding Reita and Kai videotaping them greeting his poor eyes. For that he gagged inwardly, but careful not to show it to Kai because he doesn’t want to displease him in anyway.

Kai turned back and smiled a sweet smile, making Uruha want to cuddle the heck out of his stepmother because he just looked oh so cute, regardless of the videotape he had on one hand and a whiplash on the other. “What is it, Cinderuha dear?” he cooed in a honeyed voice, gesturing his stepson to come closer.

Obediently he went to Kai’s side, facing away from the horror that was Reita riding Ruki this time and blocking out the sounds of their wanton and desperate moans by focusing only on the voices in his head that told him how awesome Kai was. “A little messenger came and told me that there will be a rave at the palace and everybody’s invited! I can go there too, right? I even have the dress, y’know, the one that I used in the Filth in the beauty PV?” he said excitedly, his naturally deep-lidded eyes springing to twinkling life.

Kai whipped the leather cord against the floor, its sound echoing inside the room and making his incestuous sons stop for a while and turn around. “Here that, my lovelies? There’s gonna be a party at the palace,” he said ever so sweetly, coupled with an equally sweet smile on his face. “Now go and put on your best bondage outfit then wear your Leech PV outfits over it, since we all know how sexy that would look.”

Uruha stepped closer to Kai, face still filled with hope as he spoke up, “I can go to the party with you guys, can’t I?”

Reita giggled out loud like the manly man that he was, and Ruki joined him. “Like hell you could go with us,” the smaller of the two uttered deviously as the other dismounted from his brother.

Both of them then ran out the room, of course butt naked, dirtying the floors with the sweat and other things that dripped from their bodies. Uruha frowned as he watched the marbled floor that he slaved on for days being dirtied like that. And now his days of wondering why Kai’s floor looked and smelled like this was over, and again he was deeply scarred.

His thoughts were interrupted when Kai put a gentle hand over his ass, rubbing there tenderly. “But dear, sweet Cinderuha, if you use that, it would look like you have colorful toilet paper wrapped around you. Plus it doesn’t show your thighs, therefore you can’t come. Everybody only likes you for your thighs, after all,” his tone was ever so gentle, but his words spewed venom.

Of course oblivious Uruha bought that, and therefore sulked inside his room in the attic while he watched Kai’s carriage bring them to the palace. Uruha cried and cried until his eyeliner smudged over his cheeks, though still managing to look hot despite the make-up disaster because we all know Uruha’s just perfect like that.

“Why can’t I go with them to the palace?” Uruha started his monologue, “I mean, I’m just as sexy and pretty as Ruki and Reita… hell, I’m taller than all of them!” He threw his head to the side dramatically and sighed, before turning back to the window and gazing to the moon. “But mother Kai said I couldn’t come! And mother Kai has always been so good to me, even relieving me of that unresolved sexual tension two paragraphs back!” As soon as he mentioned the name of his stepmother tears began streaking his feminine face again.

“But,” he continued, eyes widening as he had an awesome epiphany, “Anybody who takes my liquor away is evil, right? Therefore mother Kai is evil! How could he have fooled me all these seasons?” Uruha wept. And really, how ever could mother Kai trick you, dear Uruha.

As Uruha continued bawwing his eyes out, a ball of SPARKLY GLITTER appeared, and the SPARKLY GLITTER ball shifted into different shapes and sizes, amazing the blond to no end, until it finally took the figure of a tall-ass person with weird hair. And what do you know, it’s…

“MIYAVI DE~SU~” the SPARKLY GLITTER figure exclaimed as it walked towards Uruha as he stepped back. The SPARKLY GLITTER figure who called himself Miyavi finally stopped sparkling and started looking like a normal person, but he still had weird hair. Weird, rainbow hair.

“Y halo thar, Uru-chan!” Miyavi greeted as he jumped up and down, giving Uruha the impression that he just might have taken too much sugar before this encounter. He shook the thought away as he continued being all doe-eyed at Miyavi, and so the latter continued. “I’m your motherfucking awesome fairy godperson, and I’m here to grant you three wishes!”

Uruha raised a brow. “Aren’t you supposed to get me an awesome carriage and an awesome dress?”

Miyavi looked up to the ceiling contemplatively, then sported a big, bright smile, but Uruha was far too immersed with the fairy godperson’s lip piercing since he has this fetish for lip piercings. “Yeah, that works too,” the taller man mused.

And so Miyavi snapped his fingers (because he’s way too awesome for a wand anyway) and immediately they were transported outside of the house. There waited for them an awesome carriage powered by awesome stallions and made of everything awesome because actually defining the carriage would take a quite some time and the author of this is too lazy for that. Uruha stared at the carriage with a large fucking smile on his face. “But what about my dress? Mother Kai said I look like I was wrapped in toilet paper with my FITB dress,” Uruha said.

“Well somebody’s an ungrateful bitch,” Miyavi rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers again.

Uruha was then gently hoisted up by SPARKLY GLITTER that seemed to have generated from his ass, and in mid-air he did a transformation a-la Sailor Moon. The rags that once hugged his perfectly leaned yet toned body was stripped off one by – and this needs to stop because we all need to be alive by the end of this tale. So bottomline is, Uruha finally landed on the ground, already wearing his gratuitous Silly God Disco outfit. Uruha jumped up and down for a while and did his signature hip swayssgfmsdlfaksjfs [author died due to massive nosebleeds – reviving – revived]

So yeah, Uruha immediately entered the carriage and then scurried off without even looking back at Miyavi or saying thanks, because seriously if Uruha stayed there he would get raped.

“He knows what would happen at the end of the story anyway, right?” Miyavi asked the audience, and then he turned into a SPARKLY GLITTER ball again before completely disappearing.

Meanwhile at the palace…

Oh right there are no pictures to show this scene. So, yeah, at the palace, the party was already starting, and King Isshi and Queen Izumi (or some other PSC pairing you might want to use) started doing themselves, therefore leaving their one and only son, Prince Aoi, who was wearing his Cassis outfit, alone and bored to death with just greeting the incoming guests. He sighed, seeing that the Uke family (oh how Aoi chuckled at the mention of the family name) was the last people to actually come.

The three men went up, sporting their Leech PV outfits, and Kai still holding that whiplash, which, by the way, was colored an awesome pink. Kai turned to the side and let his sons to be in the spotlight instead, thinking that this encounter will once again result to an awesome porn video. With that thought in mind he smirked, but the smirk turned out into nothing but a sweet, heavenly smile.

Ruki and Reita then went up to the prince, cornering him in both sides.

“So,” Ruki started, grinding up against Aoi’s side.

“Wanna have a threesome with us?” Reita continued, doing the same.

Aoi pursed his lips and raised a brow, then stepped away from the two whores. “Sorry, but I don’t screw blonds.”

Ruki, Reita, and Kai’s faces fell and Aoi just laughed there in amusement. Stomping his feet, Kai pulled Ruki and Reita by the ear, resolved to give the two of them a piece of his mind by using the many different instruments that he had stashed at the palace’s broom closet for failing to seduce the prince.

Just before the three exited the scene, the whole palace darkened, save for the foyer, which highlighted the entrance of one person. Hell you all know who this is already, right and if you don’t Miyavi will come over there and whip your sorry ignorant ass.

As if time stopped, Aoi froze in his position as his dark, fathomless orbs stayed mesmerized by the elegant gait of that figure in the distance. “Beautiful,” the prince breathed, as his feet was carried closer and closer to the newly-arrived maiden.

Uruha then stepped outside the shadows (that’s just the way it works, damn it!) and revealed his flawless face to the prince, making the latter grip his chin softly, and at that the blond smiled. “I thought you didn’t screw blonds.”

“I don’t,” Aoi answered with a smile, “I make love with them.”

That perfectly illogical statement made sense to the blond and so he fell in love with the dark-haired prince, and all throughout the night they danced, did some inappropriate touching and dirty dancing until the clock struck twelve. And when it did, thankfully the palace was almost empty (save for Ruki, Reita, and Kai who stayed inside the broom closet, doing things). Of course Uruha didn’t run away like Cinderella did – Aoi would immediately catch him anyway no thanks to his excruciatingly slow pace – but instead stayed there, and let Aoi watch through his transformation a-la Sailor Moon back to his… well back to nothing, because all of his ragged clothes were ripped off his body, remember? Seeing that hot piece of naked ass before him, Aoi’s mouth watered and he carried Uruha back to his bedroom so that he can ravish him and give him unlimited amounts of alcohol because he kept complaining about it as they danced (and because once again, the author is too lazy to write out the smut scene unless of course, cough you request for it cough) AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER THE END.
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Lmao! This was absolutely brilliant! I love it! *adds to memories*

Totally made my night! *grins*

And btw, Miyavi as the motherfucking awesome fairy godperson was perfect! xD

You rock! ^^
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
LOL I'm glad my evil twin's crackfic made it to your memories!

Thanks for reading! I hope it hasn't broken your brain completely. xD
(Deleted comment)
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Ahaha, thank you for reading! ♥
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Omgsh! this was so awesome, I love it!
Especially the Silly God disco outfit and Kai's cute smile!
And MIYAVI added to that was just great!
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
LOL the SGD outfit is the shit. I mean, REALLY. Plus nobody could resist Kai's smile! Haha, Miyavi HAD to be included in that. Nobody could really take the fairy god mother place. xD

Thanks for reading! ^^
Mar 09 09 (UTC)

this was the best fanfic ever!!!
Mar 09 09 (UTC)

Thanks for reading, dear. xDD
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
this is a comment.

and this comment requests a smut scene. D:
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
...pweety pwease wiff suger un topz?
Mar 09 09 (UTC)

I seriously can't stop laughing XD
Wow..I'm gonna smile like crazy all day.

Oh, how I loved it! ^_^

Mar 09 09 (UTC)

I'm glad I made you smile, dear! Thank you for reading. ^^
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Brilliant - I haven't had any decent crack for so so long!
lmao just totally and utterly brilliant x
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
LOL, I'm flattered that you think this is decent crack! xDD Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for reading~ ^^
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
omg seriously i almost died 'cause of laughing too hard XD
this was awesome - really the chrackiest (thats not even a word i know) crack i've ever seen XD'''
loved it!
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Any invented word is a valid word around this place, so don't worry! 8D

Thanks for reading! xD
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
omg *hiccups* MARRY ME! so you can write me delicious crack!fics like this all day and i'll turn cuckoo too. LMAO. so many funny lines, i can't even pick! i was lolling badly... mem'ing this!
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
OH BB I WOULD BUT I'M ALREADY MARRIED. Unless you're okay with an affair, of course 8D *bricked* Ouch. ._.

Aww, thanks for reading and memorizing this fic! My evil twin sends my regards. 8D
(Deleted comment)
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
Ahaha~ ♥

Thanks for reading, dear~ ^^
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
*cough* I request for the smut scene *cough*

XD Thanks!

“Sorry, but I don’t screw blonds.” ROTFL

*officially brain-dead*
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
LOL now I really feel obliged to write out that smut scene! But I keep to my word, and your wish is my evil twin's command. 8D

Haha that line just had to be there~ xDDDD

Thanks for reading! ♥
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
OMG, haha, that was awesome, I loved it. =)
Ahh, you made Uruha so stipid, hahaha, lovely, but why do people always do that? XD I have to admit that it suits him though ^_^
This fic was really funny, oii and Kai was so hot. *_*
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
ai, and I meant stupid not stipid :D
Mar 09 09 (UTC)

Myaaaaaaaaa~ >_<;; I fell asleep so I forgot to reply to our RPs, but I'll get to that! ...as soon as I finish my homework. T_T I hate Math homework.

Write it, write it, write it! ♥♥♥

THANK YOU FOR READING, BB. *clings back* SURE I'D MA- *bricked, shot'd, DIAF-ed*
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
like what they said, this is totally ARSEOMMMEEE (AWESOME MAN AWESOME)! but still want to have the smut scene though! XD LOL ROFL LMAO will have a good night's sleep because of this XD
Mar 09 09 (UTC)


LOL didn't think you'd comment here too! The smut scene~ haha okay okay since you asked nicely. xDD

I hope you had a good night's sleep! xD
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
That.Was. THE BEST thing I have ever read in my life!
ROFL! Mother Kai...and Uruha singing Linda, just pure win.
I'm so memory-ing this :)
Mar 09 09 (UTC)
My evil twin is very pleased with your reaction. ♥

Thanks for reading and mem'ing this! ^^
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