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花 言 葉 × h a n a k o t o b a
seems that soon i'll wither away without knowing the answer
Matter of Knowing - Aoi/Uruha - Oneshot 
Dec 13 08
Title: Matter of Knowing
Chapter(s): Oneshot
Author: xxshamisen 
Genre: Angst
Rating: PG-15? I dunno I found it hard to rate the fic >>;;
Warnings: Language, hints of sex
Pairing: Aoi/Uruha
Disclaimer: Everything written here came from my imagination. Plus I don't own any of the boys though I wish I did xD.
Synopsis: It's a matter of knowing which hurts more.
Comments: I seriously do not know the real meaning of the word angst, but I think this fic should be filed under it. Also, there's a line that seriously made me giggle while I was writing it. I don't credit it to myself because I got it somewhere from capslock_jrock. Can you guess which line it is? xD (Dammit sorry for the really REALLY horrible typo there >>;; gaah)


It’s not everyday that rock stars went out to take quiet strolls in the local park, clad in dark coats and hidden behind humongous sunglasses for fear of being recognized and tackled by strangers who call themselves fans. But it’s not unlikely for them to take that quiet stroll in the park either; after all, they still were normal people who need the caress of the 9AM sun’s warmth that pierced through the chilly air. A simple white shirt and a pair of denim pants underneath the coat that almost everybody wore, a bare, make-up-less face under the light sunglasses, and they’re ready to go.

Today he was just Takashima Kouyou. The others… well, he didn’t know who they were today; for all Uruha knew they might be at some street in Shibuya signing autographs for fans or something similar to that.

A bittersweet smile formed on his face as a (not-so-) familiar figure walked to his direction. Apparently, like him, he was just Shiroyama Yuu today.

Silently Uruha made his way towards the empty bench to the side, deciding to simply ignore the other man, telling himself that he didn’t see anybody that he knew. At days like these he preferred not to associate himself with anybody in the band — in fact, he didn’t associate himself with anybody at all, it was his ‘me’ time anyway. The blond guitarist settled himself on the wooden bench and set his eyes somewhere, anywhere so that he didn’t have to direct his face towards Aoi, and just maybe he won’t be recognized himself. What he laid his eyes upon was a sign that said ‘Don’t Pick On The Flowers.’ How exciting.

“Hey,” a familiar voice spoke the same time Uruha felt the bench shift a bit. Obviously he’s been found, but what else can he do but to turn around to find Aoi’s smiling face, and smile back?


“Hey yourself,” Uruha started as he pulled a box of cigarettes and a lighter from his pocket, “You know you look pretty normal having only those clothes on. Cigarette?”

“Uruha… stop it, you’re drunk.”

The smile that he wore never faded as he watched Uruha retreat his hand and serve himself instead. “No thanks, I try to refrain from smoking when I’m being normal like this,” obviously a lie.

“…so stop whining like a bitch.”

“Suit yourself,” the blond replied, shoving the box and the lighter back inside his coat’s pocket, eyes directing back to the rather ‘interesting’ sign. With a smile on his face, Aoi curiously moved forward to peer over Uruha’s shoulder, wanting to see whatever it was he found that interesting, he wouldn’t even meet Aoi’s eyes.

“What are you looking at anyway?”

A small, sad smile fell over Aoi’s lips, his body suddenly feeling weaker upon seeing the thing Uruha has been looking at. It hit ever so close to home. However, Uruha was no flower — no, he was far from it. He was more beautiful, more breathtaking, more divine than a flower could ever be. Whether he was as delicate as one, the brunet wasn’t sure. But just like what it says in the sign, he was something Aoi couldn’t have.

It hurts to know that the only thing you want to have is the only thing you can’t have.

Aoi shifted backwards, resting against the back of the wooden bench, fingers silently drumming on his crossed legs. Though the sky was a friendly shade of blue and the atmosphere was peaceful, the air certainly was heavy. He was pretty sure that what happened between the two of them a few nights prior was still fresh on both their minds. Up until now Aoi had been afraid of talking to the other man about it, but now he had to take his chance. He couldn’t possibly risk losing his friendship with Uruha; it was the only thing he had with him.

Dark eyes directed themselves on the gray pavement, Aoi choking on his words but at least he was able to start: “I…I’m so—”

“Please don’t apologize Aoi, I… I’m the one to apologize for…” Uruha stopped himself from saying anything more. Apologize for what? Apologize for letting Aoi fuck him? Apologize for letting Aoi take advantage of him? Apologize for driving Aoi to the brink of his self control because he couldn’t, wouldn’t resist anyway? All of those didn’t sound fair to the older guitarist. For a moment Uruha lifted his face to look at the other man, but the dark strands of the latter’s hair veiled whatever expression he had from the blond.

“Just… fuck,” he breathed, then raised his head upward. “I’m sorry.”

It also hurts being conscious to the fact that you don’t even know what is it you really want to do. He envied the reason why that sign was even put there; the simple fact that people wanted to pick flowers. Aoi was most definitely a delicate flower laying in between his hands, already offering his beauty, his perfection, his everything to him, who’s even unworthy in the sense that he didn’t even know what to do with such a flower.

Aoi had always been there to support him no matter what, he always rode along with whatever stupid thing he had in mind, and the other man never complained, at least not seriously. It was different from the friendship he had with Reita — while his friendship with the other blond was established with time, with Aoi’s it was with… well, it was something Uruha couldn’t even pinpoint. 

He’s not even sure if it’s friendship, love, or even simply lust. Uruha didn’t want to concern himself of those things, being the happy-go-lucky person that he was, but at times even happy-go-lucky people contemplate deeply on how they feel, how others feel, and other cheesy shit every once in a while. The blond had to sigh. He thought this walk would clear his mind from things he didn’t want to concern himself of, but what’s happening is evidently the opposite. If only he didn’t make eye contact with that familiar stranger earlier…


“Uruha… stop it, you’re drunk.”

There was only an ominous smile on the blond’s plush lips.

“Uruha, what are you—”

“Aoi, I know you want this anyway, so stop whining like a bitch.”

“Uruha please sto—” But the older guitarist was silenced by the hand ghosting over his burning arousal, his protests now transformed into shameless sighs and guttural groans that seemed to tickle Uruha’s ears.

“Take me now, Aoi.”

Without even a second to spare, the dark haired guitarist slipped off the remaining garments that separated his body from Uruha’s naked own.


His eye cracked open to the sight of messy and tangled sheet and the dim yellow light that filled the room. Grunting in distaste, Aoi grabbed hold of his tangled hair and pulled on it, as if doing that would clear his mind of the haze alcohol had brought to his system. The milky body flinched as Aoi moved, and at that the brunet realized that he was still inside the younger guitarist. His face started to flush and his body trembled feebly as he slipped out of Uruha. Aoi sighed in relief when Uruha didn’t move anymore.

But Uruha had been awake all those times, his glazed eyes directed nowhere in particular. He felt the other wrap a protective arm over his waist, but he didn’t move. Even when Aoi breathed against his neck and showered it with gentle kisses, he still didn’t flinch.

I love you,” the older finally whispered, and that’s when he suddenly sat up, and without even looking back at the other he headed towards the bedroom bathroom.

“I’m going to use your shower.”

The brunet could only nod. And with the sound of the door slamming reverberating in his own home, he knew that he’d done something he can’t possibly undo.


“I suppose I should go.” Aoi said quietly as he got up from his seat and straightened his jacket, offering a friendly smile to the blond. The silence that had past was more than enough for the two of them to review their thoughts and their feelings over, after all.

“Alright,” he replied as quietly, tossing the remains of his cigarette behind the wooden bench. “See you around.”

As if on cue the heavens started to grow dim, warning the two of them of more storms to come.


Ugh. I also wanna apologize because I know that somewhere around the internet I have an unfinished Aoi/Uru fic lying around, but I'm not sure if I can still finish it~ *gets shot*
Dec 13 08 (UTC)
Oh wow. This was so so good. Really really emotional and intense and quiet at the same time. I love the strain and the emotions going between them. How they want things and yet can't express or understand them properly, how uruha guards himself from everything... I absolutely adore it. Definitely memorizing :D
Dec 13 08 (UTC)
You have figured out how my Uruha works. You must be disposed of. LOL j/k You really nailed my Uruha though! Now I'm having second thoughts of whether I should write another fic using this context~

And memorizing what, if I may ask? xDD

Anyway thanks again for the comment~
Dec 13 08 (UTC)
you're welcome. i'm memorizing your fic as in putting it into my lj memories which isn't technically the right use for the word but oh well. :P so yeah, fic going into memories. yes. :D

i'd love to read more in this context, i'd actually love to read more of whatever you write because i like your style and it's so hard to find really good gaze fics, esp aoi/uruha. my eyes are bleeding most of the times from all the crap out there, so it's so so wonderful to find quality. :)
Dec 13 08 (UTC)
Ah LOL xD *facepalm* I dun use LJ that much so I didn't know about that xDD

I'm glad you like my fic and my style! Actually I'm not very used to writing fics since I'm more of an RP person, and writing this one was kind of a struggle. But still I wanna write more fics and improve my writing and stuff haha xD I have to warn you though, I'm a reaaaally really slow writer xD
Dec 13 08 (UTC)
we've all been there. :D sometimes slow is better, when every word is a striggle, it's hard and painful and nasty for the writer but it pays off in the end so much. or so me thinks :)
Dec 14 08 (UTC)
Ugh. Tell me about it~ LOL I should be given deadlines when writing fics so that I wouldn't lose the train of thought that I have for a certain fic. It really sucks to forget how to write your own fics >>;;
Dec 14 08 (UTC)
love the quiet yet contemplative and emotional aura of this fic... i love it...
Dec 14 08 (UTC)
Thank you~! <3
Dec 14 08 (UTC)
This had such a bittersweet sort of feel to it even though at the same time there was this calm feel to it.
I liked the way that you switched the point of view around a couple of times. Really gave insight to what was going on each of their heads.
Dec 15 08 (UTC)
It is bittersweet ne~ I feel sorry for Aoi, even though Uru's my fave chara/band member~ >_<;;

Thanks for reading! <3
Jan 20 09 (UTC)
I read this before but didn't comment. Now I've read it again. I find that I enjoy it actually, although it is angst. I like Aoi (insecure and in love) and Uruha (just f-ed up?) and all the gloom and doom around their meeting and flashback in pieces. I noticed you like to put your Gazerockers in normal everyday situations, also you touch the issues of them dealing with fame. I find it interesting and refreshing.
Jan 20 09 (UTC)
Yes actually I love reading and writing the boys in those situations. I mean, I like AU and all (but the realistic AUs still xDD) but this, uhh, genre(?) is what I enjoy the most. It makes me focus on the feelings in the fic because I'm a sap like that <3

Thank you for reading~ <3
Feb 07 09 (UTC)
This was simple yet sweet. I like the flashback and when you mixed the lines with their current situation; it was nice. :)
Feb 08 09 (UTC)
Thank you, thank you! ^^
Mar 12 09 (UTC)
the evilly-smirking cold-hearted fan of yours is back, yayyy...!
I take some rest now and found this story. My heart... this story proves that you have a warm and friendly soul that's totally the opposite of mine...
actually I'm not really fond of Aoi/Uruha because there's a lot of fic about them and sadly a lot of bad-written fic among that, but your stories make me like this pairing again. Thank you.
Mar 12 09 (UTC)
Once again, my evil twin sends my regards. xD

What warm and friendly soul? *cracks whip* Haha I kid, I kid. 8D *bricked*

Unfortunately I agree with you on that, as much as I love the pairing there are a very few good fics about them nowadays. u_u I'm glad I'm making you like them again! ^^

Thanks for reading~
Mar 30 09 (UTC)
Oh this is beautiful. Reading it is as if you're holding your breath; I guess the heavy air surrounding the two affected me that much. It's as if there's so much to say with silence, but it chooses to remain that way.

*thumbs up*
I also love the symbolism of the flower and storm. ^^v
Mar 30 09 (UTC)
LOL Micchie anong trip mo ngayon 8D Fic hunting nanaman no xDD

I agree. Silence really does say a lot at times.

Ahaha, sankyuu, sankyuu. Flower symbolisms are ♥.
Mar 30 09 (UTC)
uh, hindi gusto ko lang magbasa bakit?! LOL.

I remember a line in the novel: "Obasan"
it goes something along the lines...

"There is a silence that cannot speak. There is a silence that will not speak."

So there. Kinda reminded me of those lines here~ ^^
Mar 30 09 (UTC)
Ahaha di na po lalaban 8D

Ooooooh, damn that's deep. I like that quote~ ^^
Jun 20 09 (UTC)
I love those tense situations between them <3 though it must be difficult, for both of them
Jun 20 09 (UTC)
Yay angst? xD Thanks for reading. ^^
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